by PWP, International

Change as Challenge

As a single parent you are at a crossroad in life...one that offers many challenges, while at the same time poses a variety of concerns common to the single parent. Adjusting to your new situation may not be easy, but it can be less complicated for you and your children.

Parents Without Partners offers the following guidelines to assist you and your family as you embark on another season in your lives. Based on the many years of experience of Parents Without Partners members and professional advisors, these guidelines are designed to give you practical tips on:

• Coping and Grieving
• Communicating with Children
• Child Discipline
• Visitation
• Never-Married Parenting Situations
• Legal Issues
• Social Considerations

Coping and Grieving

"My wife just decided she doesn't want to be 'married' anymore. This has been quite a blow for me, but I am more concerned about the children and how they will handle this. What should I do?"

• Allow time for you and your children to adjust. Convalescence from an emotional 'operation' such as a divorce or separation is essential.
• Join a support group that involves both you and your children, such as Parents Without Partners or a religious or community organization.
• Strive not to upset your children's routine. It's important to maintain a sense of stability; any drastic change on top of a divorce, separation or death of a partner may be too much for a child to handle.
• Divorce, separation or death often places financial pressures on the family. Communicate this situation openly to your children, as age and understanding dictate. They should feel part of, not alienated from, new realities affecting your family.
• Reach out for help if necessary. Friends and family can often be important pillars in times of crisis. Counselors can also provide valuable direction and professional advice.
• Do not encourage your children to make other people feel sorry for them because of their loss. By dealing with the divorce or loss with honesty, they will realize that life, although difficult at times, goes on.
• Encourage your children to talk to you about their feelings. If they are unable to talk to you, encourage them to speak to someone else. A mentor, teacher or older family member (such as an aunt or uncle), can be a safe, trusted resource for children.
• In the early stages of divorce or separation, relate as many important details as possible to children, concerning where they will live, when they will see the other parent, what they will tell their friends, etc. Change is inevitable, but by communicating information to your children, they will be better equipped to cope.
• A child may lose self-esteem and self-confidence when he/she faces divorce or the death of a parent; thus, you may wish to arrange special activities where their talents will be recognized and rewarded.
• Encourage children to find ways of fondly remembering a deceased parent by presenting them with a framed picture of their mother/father or by giving them a memento that was especially dear to the deceased parent.
• Practice stress-management. Find constructive outlets for you and your child's frustrations such as exercise, scheduled 'time-out' periods and/or reading or playing games. Arrange to have someone you can call at any time. Make yourself available to do the same for someone else.
• Do not set time limits for yourself or your children to adjust. The healing process varies, although an average adjustment period ranges from two to five years.

Talking to Children

"My husband and I decided it may be best to go our separate ways. We want to talk to the children about our decision, but are afraid we might approach the subject in the wrong way."

• Share the positive aspects of your marriage with your children. Be open and direct about your feelings, remembering that spouse-bashing is never an acceptable or constructive way to communicate feelings of hurt and frustration to your children.
• Children already are aware of parental difficulties and often know more than their parents realize. By acknowledging reality, the child's fear of the unknown lessens.
• Assure children they are not responsible for the breakup nor are they being rejected or abandoned. Relate the news in a loving manner. Indicate that divorce is a decision made by adults, not by children.
• Place personal feelings aside and refrain from criticizing your former partner. Expressing anger or bitterness toward your children's parent can be more injurious than the divorce or separation itself.
• Emphasize that although the husband/wife relationship is dissolving, parents are forever. Reassure your children that they will continue to be loved and protected.
• Do not put children in the middle by encouraging them to take 'sides'. Reassure them that they are allowed to love both you and your ex-spouse.
• Encourage children to express their feelings about the separation in a loving and supportive manner. Provide brief, prompt, direct and honest answers to their questions and provide a sympathetic ear.
• Expose your children to other single parent families -- socially, educationally, civically and through religious affiliations.
• Tell your children how important they are to you. Over and over again.

Child Discipline

"Ever since Mary died, I've found it hard to discipline my son. His mother's death was so much for him to deal with and I don't want to make him more upset. Is this okay?"

• The loss of a spouse via divorce or death can be a great strain on a family. Consequently, it is not uncommon for the custodial parent to be over-permissive or lenient. Be sure to be consistent in disciplining your children. They will feel much more secure when you set limits for them and provide guidance.
• Avoid directing your anger to your children.
• Replace physical punishments with peaceful discipline techniques such as the removal of privileges. Reason with your children and recognize them for good behavior.
• Both parents should strive for agreement in decisions pertaining to the children, especially discipline, so that one parent is not undermining the other parent's efforts.
• Prioritize what is really important in your home regarding rules and regulations and enforce only what is essential. Be prepared to re-evaluate as your children grow. Flexibility is the key.

Visitation

"I am a custodial father. The divorce was ugly and I don't particularly want any interaction with my wife. Should I encourage visitation? If yes, how often?"

• Under all circumstances, visitations should be pleasant for children and parents. Encourage your children to visit the non-resident parent and talk openly about the time spent with him or her. By doing so, you help children maintain a positive, secure relationship with both parents.
• If you are a visiting parent, vary excursions with your child. For example, plan an overnight date where you watch movies and eat popcorn together, camp the next weekend, or visit for a few hours in the child's home, as appropriate.
• Avoid taking the children on "dates" during visitation periods. Visitation is a time reserved for the parent and the child to spend quality time together. Having other people participate in the visitation on a regular basis dilutes the parent-child experience.
• Visitations should be as frequent as practical for all parties. If scheduled visits need to be canceled, inform the other parent and child immediately. Be prepared to share an honest reason for the cancelation.
• Visitations are not opportunities to unnecessarily spoil children and/or bribe them with frequent trips to amusement parks, continuous entertainment or expensive gifts. While activities may add to the pleasure of a visit, the most important aspect of the visitation is the parent-child interaction.
• Resist the urge to treat your children any differently. Quiet time or engaging in everyday activities reassures children that they are loved in the same way.
• No spying! Children should not be 'pumped' for any information or gossip about the other parent.
• The visiting parent should take special care in making children understand that he/she is not divorcing or abandoning them.
• Separate your spousal relationship from your parental relationship and set up cooperative parenting arrangements in a comfortable and businesslike fashion.
• Allow children and the visiting parent to establish their own relationship and do not inflict your ideas of parenthood on your ex-spouse, unless there is a legitimate area of concern. In that case, address it with the parent -- not the child.

Never Married Parents

"I'm a new mother and I'm not married. I want to provide a loving and healthy environment for my child. How can I do this?"

• Assure children that all families are whole and that it doesn't take the presence of a father/mother to make a family whole. Family can be a variety of things -- and whether immediate or extended family, all offer a very viable, vital resource.
• Build confidence in children through open communication, making them resilient to negative comments and stereotypes.
• Be prepared to share information about the biological father or natural mother with your child when age-appropriate. Details should be revealed in a straightforward manner and interaction with the non-custodial parent should be encouraged, at any stage of the child's growth, setting aside personal feelings.
• Incorporate positive role models in your child's life. Arrange for him/her to spend time with a caring adult of the same sex as the absent parent so they can understand how to better relate to members of that sex.

Legal Issues

"This is my first divorce. I am so confused and I am not sure of my rights. How do I protect myself and my children?"

• Resolve your legal situation as quickly as possible, by seeking professional counsel.
• Try mediation as an amiable alternative to a potentially difficult divorce. Ask your local family services agency for more information.
• Change addresses, phone records, insurance papers and other legal documents, as appropriate.
• Pursue adequate child support arrangements to maintain, as closely as possible, your children's current standard of living. Non-custodial parents are obligated by law to provide financial support for the care of their children.

Social Considerations

"How can I ensure that my child and I adjust to 'singledom' as smoothly as possible?"

• Avoid moving children to an unfamiliar neighborhood or new school as a result of a death or divorce. This presents too great a change for children at one time.
• Be a positive role model for your children. You will earn much respect if you "walk your talk."
• Avoid an 'on-again-off-again' relationship with a separated spouse. This promotes uncertainty and a sense of impermanence.
• Advise your children's school about divorce, death, or separation. Speak with their teachers and counselors.
• Non-custodial parents should be kept apprised of their children's scholastic performance and separate parent-teacher conferences can easily be arranged. The non-custodial parent should not be excluded from participating in the athletic events or academic accomplishments of their children.
• When you are ready to begin a new social life, reassure your children that, by adding this new dimension to your life, you will not be taking something away from them,.
• Discuss with your children your plans to date. Reassure your children that a new romantic interest in your life, will not replace the natural parent in their lives.
• You may not have had control over how you arrived at single parenthood -- but youdo have control over the way in which you approach it. Accept the challenges of thisnew and adventurous journey for you and your family -- the best is yet to come!