Building a Loving Legacy
Tamara Berry and Tanya Stowe
Traditions help us create identities. They say, "This is how
we do things." They define who we are, where we've been and most
importantly for us parents, where we're going. Traditions are one of
the basic tools for building character.
I came into my marriage with few possessions. My mom had given me my
baby book and all that she saved of my childhood … about ten pages
worth stuffed in the back. My husband, on the other hand, came with
furniture he had inherited from various family members, a baby book
full to bursting, and numerous collections his mother had saved for
him over the years.
But I had something my husband didn't. I had memories, rich, strong
memories of family vacations in our little trailer, Christmas caroling
at the local convalescent hospital, magic shows performed in our backyard,
family football in the front yard on Thanksgiving Day, and countless
other family events and stories, some old, some passed on for generations.
I had an unbreakable bond with my brothers, the kind of unconditional
love developed from hours of time spent together. I had a sense of security,
knowing what to expect during holidays and celebrations and also, what
was expected of me. I had traditions.
I was in grade school when my parents decided my mother would stay
home with my three brothers and me. It was the 70's and many women were
entering the work force, but my parents chose for my mother to stay
home to make ends meet. That meant my father needed to go back to school
to further his education. Suddenly, my mom found herself on a tight
budget and alone on school nights … particularly Halloween.
After school, my brother and I would hit the door, suffering from a
school-party-sugar high and run through the house, sending my younger
brothers into a toddler tizzy. It was all my mother could do to get
us settled down, something solid in our stomachs and into our homemade
costumes before our neighborhood friends started showing up. To make
this task easier, she put a pot of her chili on to simmer before we
arrived. To this day, Mom's homemade chili is indelibly printed on my
memory with good friends, silky black Dracula capes, crisp autumn nights
and a thousand sparkling stars.
Traditions often start from a necessity. Something needs to be done
so a routine is started. When the need disappears but the routine continues,
it becomes a tradition.
My mother didn't realize she'd created a family tradition until years
later. My older brother and I had married and moved off to start our
own families. My younger brothers were in high school, so my mother
stopped making chili. For my brothers, Halloween ceased to be Halloween.
They hounded my mother and I until she agreed to make chili and I agreed
to visit with my children.
Halloween evening arrived and the size of the chili pot grew as my
brothers invited their high school friends. My older brother came with
his children and all nine grandchildren began to run around the house,
looking for costumes and demanding time in the bathroom. I could see
from my mother's harried expression that we had indeed, captured the
flavor of the old days. Neither of us was so sure it was a good thing.
Then we watched in amazement as my brothers ladled hot chili into bowls
for their nieces and nephews and began to swap stories with their friends
of favorite costumes and Halloweens past. As my mother and I saw my
young children, listening to their uncles' fun memories, all our doubts
vanished. Once again, our family home was the gathering place for this
festive night. Our Halloween was complete.
Over the years, we began to explore other traditions and why they
had value to us. What would have occurred if we'd planned those traditions?
What might we have accomplished if we had put more purpose and direction
into those family events?
Parents without partners have a particularly daunting task. How can
traditions be built when the kids are busy hopping back and forth between
homes? How is it possible to focus on building anything when the most
important daily goal is getting dinner and homework done so everyone
can go to bed at a reasonable hour?
Studies tell us time and again the most important thing we can do
for our children as parents without partners is to establish routines.
Schedules foster security … a sense of knowing what to expect and
when. So why not make those routines fun?
Create a small point system. Each child receives points for completing
their tasks in a timely, neat manner. At the end of the evening, the
child with the most points gets to choose the game. A half hour before
bedtime, the whole family sits down to play the game. No one loses,
there's just a little perk for the one who works the hardest and everyone
benefits from the thing they need most … time with you.
There can be as many traditions as there are families and situations.
The important thing is to determine what you want to teach your children.
Who are you and what do you want your family to stand for?
Here are some of the ways to discover those important family traditions:
1. Make a list of the morals and character traits you want to develop
in your children.
2. Make a list of memorable moments in your life in addition to memorable
routines you established. What made you appreciate them? What was involved?
Why do they stand out in your memory? What goal did they accomplish?
3. Establish routines for your family that will encompass your goals
for their morals and character traits. Make these routines fun and enjoyable.
Eventually these special routines will become traditions.
If you already have some family traditions and are wondering how you
can make them stronger:
4. Examine the current traditions. Ask yourself why are they important
to your family? Are they fun time? Do they say something about us? Do
they remind us of grandpa, or when we were growing up or that vacation
in New York we took ten years ago? Are they instilling values and admirable
character?
5. Make an outline for every large tradition. List what the tradition
is, its goal and the time and materials needed. This will make the tradition
easier to do and will preserve it for future generations. Using the
goals from the previous step, work diligently at building memories and
teachable moments.
6. Keep it simple. Less is best. This leaves more time for bonding
and spontaneity.
7. If it isn't working, scrap it. You know what is best for your family.
You know what works and what doesn't. Steven Covey says that family
traditions should "renew family members emotionally, mentally,
spiritually, and physically." If your tradition isn't doing those
things, you know what to do with it!
In today's hectic environment, traditions are more important than
ever. Divorce, long commutes and erratic schedules demand that parents
be creative in finding new routines / traditions to meet their family's
needs. We can make this task easier by sharing ideas. We would love
to hear from you. Email us at TBD. Tell us your favorite routine and
how it became a tradition. Why does it work for you? How have you adapted
your family's traditions to meet your current needs?
By sharing good ideas and strong traditions, we can all work toward
building character in our children and in ourselves … and we can
do it just by spending time with the ones we love. Good luck and good
building!
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