Father's Day
Becoming Aware
It has been a number of years since my wife and I separated. However,
the trauma of beginning life again after seventeen years of marriage
still lingers. I was always very much in control of my life and my feelings.
I was the type of person people would come to with their problems, fears
and anxieties. I learned that life doesn't always work out the way one
plans.
The feeling that there was something wrong with my marriage occurred
in stages over a few years. It was a realization that slowly crept into
my semi-conscious mind. I never spoke of this feeling with anyone. However,
every once in a while I found myself looking at the "apartments
for rent" column in the local newspaper. It would take a few years
before I actually could admit to myself what was happening.
By the time my wife and I split up we had created two separate lives
beyond the lives we shared with our children. We both had careers and
were spending more time with colleagues. The two of us got together
for vacations, the children's routines, and other special family events.
Neither of us recognized, or would admit, what was happening. Meanwhile,
the tension continued to build in the home. Something had to be done.
Little things began to aggravate us. If one person went to bed earlier
than the other, it was commented on negatively. When one of us went
out at night it was resented. Minor issues became major reasons to argue.
Ugly words were used that had never been used before.
My Role as Dad
At the time, my son was seven and my daughter was ten years old. My
children and I were very close. As parents, my wife and I had always
managed to divide equally our parental duties. In addition to the regular
routine, I also coached baseball and hockey, but we took turns taking
the children to their swimming and ballet lessons. We took family vacations
together every year. Because I am a teacher, my schedule allowed me
to spend more time with the children. Most of their friends knew me
well, as I was one of the few dads on the street who arrived home early
each night. Household chores were also divided evenly between my wife
and me. However, my wife did tend to cook most of the meals.
I'm describing my role as a father to give you a clearer picture of
our lives at that time. I reviewed these roles prior to the separation.
I spent endless hours attempting to assess how traumatic my departure
from the home would be on the children. I reflected on my own father
and wondered how my life would be different had he not been a part of
my life. These thoughts caused great concern and worry. Eventually,
I acknowledged that the marriage was not salvageable. However, I also
came to the conclusion that my children needed me, as their father,
to maintain my role as an active part of their lives.
Reflection
As a teacher I worked with many families and students who had gone through
divorce. My experience showed me that children who adjusted well to
a divorce seemed to have fathers who remained involved with them. I
am fully aware that a divorce is extremely difficult for children of
any age. However, my experience demonstrated there is greater hope for
children to live happy productive lives when their dads continue to
play an active part in their everyday upbringing.
The Emotional Drain
I analyzed the situation as clearly as I could. However, I was unprepared
for the emotional drain the separation would cause prior to my leaving
the home. As young boys, many of us are taught to be emotionally strong.
Crying is considered a sign of weakness. I could not recall ever seeing
my father cry. I had seldom cried growing up. During the time of the
separation, I cried more often than I had cried in my whole life. I
would keep this private. I tended to cry in the shower when wondering
whether I was going to lose my children. Guilt was creeping into my
thoughts. Would my children ever forgive me for leaving? Would I still
have access to my children? These and other questions raced through
my mind.
Getting Help
A counselor can help you recognize guilt and en-courage you to deal
with it. You may feel guilty that you are divorced or getting divorced.
It could be that you have guilt because of what you feel you have done
to your children. Divorce is often perceived as a sign of failure, and
it certainly could weigh some people down for a long time.
My counselor helped me realize that failure is okay as long as you
can pick yourself up and learn from it. Wanting to be there for my children,
let alone get on with my own life, gave me lots of incentive. Let's
face it: if we as fathers are going to be able to provide our children
with a stable environment in our new home, we have to be emotionally
stable ourselves. How can we be sensitive to our children's needs if
we are constantly worried about our own?
Parenting Together through the Storm
A father needs to have access to his children. For him to be denied
access for income-related reasons effectively provides children with
a handicap that they will carry for the rest of their lives. Custody
arrangements must respect both roles and the impact that both parents
have on their children.
The children will need as much emotional support as possible, particularly
in the months following the separation. Part of a father's emotional
stability will be directly connected to his ability to remain a provider
for his children. Following a separation, basic needs such as food,
clothing, and shelter can loom very large for many men. These fundamentals
will have to be attainable if a father is going to have an equal opportunity
to continue to be a guiding force in the lives of his children. Court
rulings that deprive fathers of basic needs through unreasonable child
support rulings are depriving children of a healthy upbringing. Fathers
who are able to rebuild their lives and maintain a close relationship
with their children will make a huge difference in their lives.
The legal conclusion to a divorce will ultimately define a father's
financial capabilities as well as his access to the children. However,
what it cannot do is predetermine that someone will be a good divorced
father. While I was married I had to work at being a good father and
now that I am divorced I have to work even harder at it. It is different
from the joint parenting role I had before, but just as fulfilling.
Stay Involved
Don't underestimate the power of being a part of your child's daily
schedule. As much as possible, build your schedule around theirs. Slot
them into your own busy schedule if you have to. They don't have to
monopolize each day, but they need to feel that they are still of utmost
importance to you. To do this try scheduling regular visits or phone
calls to them.
I don't believe dragging custody battles out in court is productive
for the children. However, a father has the right to equal time with
his children. Divorced fathers should make a point of remaining an integral
part of their children's lives. Our role is not limited to providing
child support payments twice a month. I feel my children need me for
so much more and I make a sincere attempt to meet these needs. Fathers
who feel they do not have enough access to their own children must stay
as involved as possible and fight for what is right if necessary.
Your Reaction Counts
Threats and obscenities on a father's part can only create further turmoil
within the family in general and the children specifically. Your children
are going to hear things elsewhere and comment. It is important not
to have a knee-jerk reaction to information that is shared with you
through the children. Show them that you can listen and be thought-ful.
Remember, they will probably make the comment specifically to see your
reaction.
I know that I was hurt by comments that I heard second-hand. After
years of marriage this is a natural feeling. However, as a father I
want to be considered a good role model for my children. A failed marriage
does not mean I have failed as a father. As divorced fathers we must
continue to manifestly practice our parenting skills to retain our natural
right as fathers.
Hopefully, after many years our children will be able to look back
and appreciate the effort that their father made to give them a healthier
and happier life.
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