The Emotions of Ending a Relationship: 12 Steps to Healing.
by Micki McWade
It's no revelation that divorce is a traumatic event, experienced emotionally,
psychologically and financially. What is not often understood is the
amount of time and effort necessary to recover emotionally. Well-intentioned
people who haven't been divorced ask "What's taking so long?"
and proclaim "You have to get on with your life-go out and meet
other people!" Meanwhile, all we want to do is pull the covers
over our heads at the thought of becoming vulnerable again in a relationship.
Abigail Trafford, in her book, Crazy Time, says "There is nothing
easy about divorce. It's a savage emotional journey. You don't know
where it ends for a long time."
Those of us who have been there, or are divorcing or separating now,
know this to be true. Taking time to recover from emotional trauma is
often thought unnecessary. We might think "I'm divorced now. Why
don't I feel better?
What does recovery mean? It means taking the time to understand what
happened and why and our 50 percent of what went wrong in the relationship.
Why bother? To avoid going through the misery again.
Trafford quotes Jungian analyst Lawrence Staples, who says "Divorce
is always experienced as a failure…but it is out of failure that
a person often finds the inner strength to attain major achievements
in life." He continues, saying "A crisis forces change."
It is within our power to learn and grow from the crisis or allow it
destroy us. Will we be proactive or reactive?
Ignorance is not bliss. We may be tempted to blame our spouse entirely
for the relationship's demise or to act like an ostrich, keeping our
heads in the sand when we feel afraid, but while these reactions are
understandable, they don't work to our advantage.
The Twelve Step recovery model has been used for 65 years to help people
cope with change. The rewards of using the Steps to recover from divorce
are self-knowledge, peace and character strength. Melody Beattie, a
well-known writer on co-dependency, says "We each have our own
key, our own magic. We each have the power and the ability to discover
that magic and tap into our own healing process, regardless of our present
circumstances. The way to do that is by working the Twelve Steps."
The following description is a brief overview of how the Steps apply
to separation and divorce. More information is available in the book
Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce
Recovery also by Micki McWade. The Steps were originally written to
help people recover from alcoholism and the bracketed words were the
original words of the Steps for that purpose. We have modified the Steps
slightly so that they pertain to relationship.
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over others [alcohol]
and our lives had become unmanageable. When we recognize that we cannot
control another person, no matter how smart, articulate, convincing
we may be, we might decide to put more time into our own lives-where
it belongs and can do the most good. We can only control ourselves,
our actions and reactions. We may be able to influence by example,
but we cannot force a person to do what we want them to do. By spending
our precious time and energy trying to control, manipulate and seek
revenge, our own lives become unmanageable because we aren't taking
care of ourselves and developing our own potential.
Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to wholeness [sanity]. Some of us grow in spirituality
during crisis and think of the power greater than ourselves as God.
Some of us will go to a therapist, some will read helpful material,
and some will join a support group. The main idea is to be open to
outside resources to help you get through the crisis. Studies have
shown that those who have peer support recover faster and more fully
than those who are isolated. Joining a divorce support group speeds
the recovery process because we gain support and learn from each other-and
don't wear out our friends and family members.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God as we understood God. The Twelve Step program
is a spiritual one. We learn by practicing the Steps to connect in
a real way with our Higher Power. While the program is spiritual,
it does not espouse any particular religion. It isn't necessary to
be spiritual or religious to find help in the program. An open mind
is enough. We do the best we can and then turn the outcome over to
the care of God, asking for wisdom, courage and guidance in making
the many important decisions that are necessary during the divorce
process.
Step Four: Made a searching and moral inventory of ourselves
. It is important that we assess our strengths and weaknesses after
a marriage or long-term relationship ends. We are not the same now
as we were when we entered the relationship. We need to understand
where that leaves us in the present and decide which characteristics
to eliminate and which to nurture. Awareness is the first step.
Step Five: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human
being the exact nature of our failings [wrongs]. When we admit to
God, we are forgiven, when we admit to ourselves and take ownership
of our failings, we begin to see that change is possible. When we
admit to another human being, we realize that we are human-no more,
no less. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. By admitting
them, we take the second step in making significant change. Be sure
to choose a supportive person to talk to.
Step Six: Were entirely ready to remove these defects of character.
This Step sounds deceptively simple. To become ready…. This may
involve backing out of a long-held stance. We may have to stop a destructive
habit. Look at a behavior or characteristic you want to give up and
decide what the opposite might be. Rather than beating yourself up
for having the characteristic, it's more advantageous to focus on
what you want instead. You may want to replace impatience with patience,
for example.
Step Seven: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. When
we e recognized our shortcomings, talked about them and decided that
we don't want to repeat them in the future, we have done a lot of
good work. What we may not anticipate is how difficult it is to break
old habits, so this is where Step Seven is helpful. We don't have
to do this alone! When we ask our Higher Power for help, we get it.
We will be supported in making the personal changes that will lead
us into a better life.
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we have harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all. We might put ourselves
at the top of the list! Have we neglected our health, are we using
alcohol or drugs to get through this? Are we allowing ourselves to
become exhausted by constant running or malnourished by eating junk
food instead of a healthy meal?
Our children suffer during the divorce process. Are we doing our
best to see that their suffering is minimized? Are we using them as
weapons against our (ex)spouse? Do we burden them with our problems,
rather than talking to a friend or therapist?
Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people, except when
to do so would injure them or others. Many times an apology is all
that's necessary. Other times, we need to change our behavior or break
a bad habit. Before taking action we need to evaluate whether we are
doing this step from genuine remorse or in an attempt to manipulate
a situation. Sincerity is a key factor. Making amends won't be worth
much if we continue to do the same thing.
Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we
were wrong, promptly admitted it. Apology, like humility, is vastly
underrated. Some think that to apologize is to admit weakness, but
the opposite is actually true. To apologize promptly creates freedom
because we don't have to spend time thinking about excuses and justifying
why we did something. As long as we're alive, we'll continue to make
mistakes but it's easier to trust a person who can admit when he or
she is wrong, than someone who always needs to be right.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only
for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
Prayer is asking and meditation is listening for the answer. Both
of these practices are so helpful during divorce. This is something
we can do for ourselves and is within our power. We might pray for
strength, wisdom and guidance on a particular problem, and the courage
to make the necessary changes, rather than holding on to the past.
We all have our list of issues we need help with.
Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result
of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice
these principles in all our affairs. If you practice these steps as
you go through divorce, people will ask you how you managed to get
through it without becoming stuck and bitter. It's at that point you
explain the tools that you used. It's also enormously helpful to study
the Steps with a group who are experiencing the same kind of difficulty.
Being with others really helps.
There is no doubt that the ending of a significant relationship is
very difficult and painful, but recovery is not only possible, it leads
to potential we never knew we had. No matter where we are today, or
what our circumstances may be, every one of us has enormous potential
for creating a better life. Taking the time to recover, and discover
the you-of-today, will pay big dividends as we move forward. As we say
in the Twelve Step movement, "It works if you work it, so work
it-you're worth it!"
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