Your divorce:
It’s about time!
(and
children) (and money)
To
have a better divorce, you need to take some time to read, think about
and act on the advice in my book, Make
Any Divorce Better, and the specific steps you can take. No matter
what
your situation, if you follow my advice, things will soon get better.
As
a family law attorney for over 35 years, I can tell you that unless
you face a serious emergency like those in my online “emergencies”
article, then
- The worst thing you can do is run to an
attorney before you are more informed.
- Divorce problems are almost never legal, they are almost
always personal.
- There are no—zero, not any—solutions for personal problems in
law, in court, or in a lawyer’s office. To the contrary, taking divorce
problems into the legal system will almost certainly make things much
worse.
- At least 90% of all divorces can be done better with little
or no attorney involvement.
- After you take the steps I
recommend, if you still have trouble working out terms with your Ex,
you don’t need an attorney, you need a mediator.
The things you can do for yourself are far
superior to anything an attorney can
do for you. Court is not good for you, your child, your health or your
bank
account. If you and your Ex can reach an agreement about how to deal
with your
assets, debts, and support (if relevant), then you don’t need to battle
in
court, and you can save yourself a lot of time, trouble and money.
Your first job is to find a way to
make yourself safe and secure
for at least a few weeks, maybe a few months. You need time to let
things
settle down, get centered in a new direction, let your spouse and
children adjust
to changes, and . . .
You also need some
time to take some important early
steps, noted in my online Pre-divorce Checklist.
What’s the hurry—children?
money? Apart from needing to
get
on with your life, or make a bold declaration of independence, the most
common
and deeply felt sources of urgency are about children and money. You
might be
worried about how the bills will get paid, or when you will get to see
your
children. It will be hard to find peace and work out terms for anything unless you can make some
arrangements, at least temporary ones, about children and money.
Money. Here are
some things to think about regarding money in the early stages of
divorce.
If your spouse depends on you to pay the bills and you don’t
give some reassurance that you’ll help, your spouse will be forced to
get an
attorney and file for a support order. Then your life gets dragged into
court,
lawyer wars, conflict and huge expense. You really don't want that.
It's no solution when the
lawyers end up with all of your money and you still owe them for fees.
Much better if you promise to help with the bills until you’ve both had
some
time to think, adjust, discuss the terms of your separation. Be very
reassuring. Ask your spouse to work with you on these steps. Offer to
make a
temporary agreement in writing that will reassure both of you about
money and
parenting, just for the short term.
If you depend on your
spouse
to pay the bills, your goal is to get stable and secure for a few weeks
or
months while you figure out what to do next. Here are some suggestions.
·
While you wait
to see if the ideas below work out, struggle hard to find a way you can
take
care of yourself, at least in a very modest way in which you can be
safe and
secure for a while. Maybe you can get help from friends or family or
your faith
community. As a very last resort, consider public assistance.
·
If your spouse
does not actually have money to spare, you're stuck with the self-help
steps
above, but if you think there's enough to share, move on to the next
steps.
·
Send your spouse
this article.
·
Wait
a few days, then send a polite message to your spouse, either
in a letter or through a diplomatic friend or clergyman—someone who
definitely
will not add to the tension—that you know it's hard for both of you,
but you
need some help with the bills and if you can’t work out a temporary
arrangement
for at least a few months, you will be forced to get an attorney and go
to
court for a support order. You really don’t want to do this because it
will be
hugely upsetting and expensive—an unnecessary waste that will be bad
for
everyone. It would be so much better for both of you to make a
temporary
arrangement.
If nothing works with your
spouse and you can’t get
short-term
help from friends or family, you have three choices:
·
If your spouse
has wages or assets you can attach for support, get an attorney and go
to court
for a support order. Read my online article, Who can I call?
·
Got kids? Every
state has an office in charge of obtaining and enforcing child support
orders.
Ask at the courthouse where they are and how to contact them.
·
If your spouse
doesn’t work or changes
employers frequently or otherwise isn’t worth taking to court for
support,
you’ll have to try to get public assistance until you can support
yourself on
your own. Focus on stability first, then work toward a peaceful
resolution of
your divorce.
Debts. If debts are
weighing heavily, read my article, Dealing
With Debts, at www.nolodivorce.com/articles/debts.html
Children. If you are worried
about parenting arrangements, read
my article online, Dealing
With Debts
Parting
thoughts.
Don’t go to an attorney
until you first get
organized and prepared, figure out what you want from the attorney, and
particularly
what attorney to go to. Don’t talk to
your Ex about divorce or parenting until you learn how to reduce upset
and lay
the groundwork for successful negotiation. And, please, be
very careful who you listen to. Do not take advice from anyone
who is not truly expert on exactly your topic. Friends and relatives
can be
great for moral support but do not get your advice there. If you take
the time
to learn and apply my advice, your divorce will go much better.
Millions have successfully
gone before you and if they can do it, then with a little time and
effort, so
can you.
©
2008 Ed Sherman and Nolo Press Occidental
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